Journal Entry 1: What's Next?

What's Next?

What am I going to do after I graduate? I'm genuinely confused. I almost feel as though I'm in a test-car driving faster and faster towards that concrete wall with the bullseye on it. It's inevitable that once I graduate I'm going to be thrown into a greater position of independence. This is exciting but also a little unnerving, considering I've never lived completely on my own before.

I have ideas of what I want to do and I apply to jobs like there's no tomorrow. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing something right, or I'm not chasing the passion that I know I want to chase. It's in the back of my mind but it's what I ruminate on most. I try to distract myself by watching sports closer than I usually do, or getting in the car and driving around to get my mind off of it. This is a temporary solution as I always find my way back to the same thoughts. What in the world is going to happen to me next?

It seems dark and depressing, but what else is there to be excited about? Kids and a wife are definitely a possibility and that alone might be the reason I even decide to chase opportunities for more money, because if by some bad stroke of luck I am unable to have kids, I don't believe I would feel the need to get married and make a decent living. I enjoy a lifestyle that doesn't put emphasis on material things, I would very much enjoy living in a studio apartment in a city or a quiet lodge on a farm or in the mountains and live out the next 65 years there, just farming.

A couple years ago I was dead set on finding a position in business because that's where I was told the money was, and that that field would be the most promising. But what if I don't want to make a ton of money? What if I make a ton of money but I hate my job so much that I do something crazy? I just wish someone would tell me what to do. I also kind of want a job that doesn't even serve a purpose. For example, if I was in charge of drawing a circle and then hole-punching that circle on a notecard over and over again, I'd be considerably content.

But, I guess I'll just have to see what life has in store for me. Maybe I could ride bulls for a living. That seems pretty easy.